The Clown Prince

"...you know you've gone and screwed up when the Taliban and a former British Army Colonel can issue a joint statement essentially saying you're a bell-end!"

By now, we all probably realise that Prince Harry is not the brightest button in the box, and indeed he may well be a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Nonetheless, for clarity and to help this young man resolve some of his trouble, I have set a quick test that even he should be able to complete. Readers are welcome to try their luck.

Question 1: You want privacy and to receive less attention from the media. Do you:

(a) Keep your mouth shut.

(b) Go on the TV to slag off your family, attack the media and then write a book spelling out all your gripes while admitting to losing your virginity in a field behind a pub to an older lady. ( I hear all the blokes shouting, "Fair play, lad!") Let's not forget the frost-bitten penis and talking to a rubbish bin while on drugs. 

Question 2: You are concerned about your family's safety now that royal protection is withdrawn, given that you no longer do any hand waving, ribbon cutting or other arduous royal stuff. Do you:

(a) Keep your mouth shut.

(b) Write a book admitting blasting a load of Taliban to bits, thereby painting a target on your back and on that of your wife and kids.

Question 3: You want to reunite with your brother and father. Do you:

(a) Keep your mouth shut and tiptoe behind the scenes for a rapprochement. (Somebody get Harry a dictionary.)

(b) Reveal to the world that you and your brother had a minor scuffle, which you lost and he broke your favorite necklace, and he didn't want you as his best man; while at the same time you slag off Dad.

Question 4: You want to be taken seriously. Do you:

(a) Keep your mouth shut.

(b) Admit that you've been in contact with your dead Mum in the spirit world. 

Question 5; You want to be a stand-up bloke, one of the team and a leader. So when the military police turn up to drug test everyone at your base. Do you:

(a) Stay and follow their request for a urine sample.

(b) Jump in your car, flee to London and avoid the test.

So, how did you do? Answering (a) is good. All I'll say is that the first rule of holes is that when in one, stop digging. 

Of course, in a world of traditional moralities, the Pretender Harry would raise a small army of foreign mercenaries, land on the Norfolk coast, and march on London to try and usurp King Charles. William would sally forth to deal with him.
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Harry would be defeated somewhere in the East Midlands, hacked to death and buried under a car park near RAF Wittering. With Megan exiled to a convent in the Yorkshire Dales, she spends the rest of her days writing letters to her supposed supporters, who hand them over to MI6.

Having defeated Harry in battle, William would spend several days in sincere mourning, then move on. To settle the affair, the Archbishop of Canterbury declares the Pretender the bastard offspring of a common cavalryman. So we all lived happily ever after, and the Daily Mail has nothing to write about. Now, that's the Netflix series I'd pay to see!

But instead, these days, Harry is more likely to arrive with a multitude of therapists, woke advisors and Oprah giving a running commentary. That shouldn't be too hard to defeat; call them by the wrong pronouns, remove their safe spaces, and they'll meltdown. Then, while they undergo group therapy, overrun the lot.

Anyway, you know you've gone and screwed up when the Taliban and a former British Army Colonel can issue a joint statement essentially saying you're a bell-end! Maybe someone can have a word with the lad, preferably without his wife present.

I'm sure there is position for a court jester, now that Uncle Andrew is sidelined. Harry should be a perfect fit.