London falls down the rabbit hole.

Ms Dick of the Yard

Following the Christmas knife attacks across London, that left four dead, Commissioner of Police Cassandra Dick, announced a new policy. 

“These people have suffered some adverse experience when they are young and poor parenting.  All things that can lead to other negative outcomes.”

Thus, henceforth, criminals will be classified as victims and their victims as criminals. Dick noted this initiative would bring the immediate benefit of pushing up her detection rate, although not bringing down crime.

“My officers are instructed to arrest stabbing victims because they caused it by their presence on the streets.” 

Noting that those wielding the knife came from deprived backgrounds, Dick went on to say; 

“You can't blame them for slashing open the stomachs of others. Most only have one PlayStation at home.”

The Met is already making significant progress with its investigations under the new policy. “We finally caught her” noted Superintendent Belter Cross-Dresser of the Knife Crime Unit. “She was hard to track down, but we found her in the critical care unit of Woolwich Hospital.” Mrs Beryl Wood, aged 72, who sustained 22 cuts in an attack last Wednesday, is now in custody. 

Under the initiative, police funding goes from bobbies on the beat to youth activity. Ms Personal Pronoun of the Tower Hamlets Yoof Support Group welcomed the funding; 

“Our fencing classes and samurai sword fighting lessons are now oversubscribed.” 

A weekend crackdown, Operation Cleanup, saw 900 people arrested in knife crime areas. It’s shocking, says Chief Inspector S. J. Warrior, observing they had to bring in a family of six for strolling on Croydon High Street.
​
Commissioner Dick welcomed police officers from across the country to a five-day conference on the new policy. The meeting is to be held in Bermuda after health and safety assessments deemed London too dangerous. 

---